Sleep Coaching over Sleep Training
Over the past 20 years, and especially in the last decade, sleep training has become increasingly popular. There are now countless methods available, ranging from more rigid approaches, such as extinction or “cry it out,” to gentler variations like gradual withdrawal or subtle changes to sleep routines. For many families, these approaches can be helpful. But not all methods feel right for every parent, and not all children respond in the same way. Methods such as extinction and “cry it out” have always felt far too harsh for me, and they are not something I offer or support in my work.
In recent years, and particularly since becoming a mother myself, I’ve noticed a shift.
Conversations around children’s sleep are changing. Practices that were once discouraged like co-sleeping, feeding to sleep, or responding immediately to a baby’s needs are now being reconsidered. In many cultures, these approaches have always been the norm. What was once labelled a “bad habit” is now, for many, being understood as a responsive and connected way of parenting.
My Experience Before Motherhood
When I worked as a nanny, sleep often felt like the main focus. Parents were understandably exhausted and looking for solutions. The process was usually simple: choose a sleep trainer, follow a structured plan, and work towards baby sleeping through the night.
Much of the training I completed, even within more holistic approaches, still centred around clear guidelines:
baby sleeps in their own cot
moves into their own room at six months
learns to self-soothe
Co-sleeping was generally discouraged, largely due to safety concerns, and there was a strong emphasis on what should and shouldn’t be done. When I began working as a sleep coach myself, I followed these same principles. They were what I had been taught, and what I believed worked.
What Changed for Me
Becoming a mother shifted everything.
I began speaking with midwives, particularly those working in home birth settings, whose approach to babies and sleep felt noticeably gentler and more instinctive. I started researching breastfeeding more deeply, learning about co-sleeping from a safety perspective, and listening to the lived experiences of other parents.
Slowly, my understanding began to change. I realised that what I had once seen as “best practice” wasn’t always the best fit for every family or every child.
With my own son, I found a balance. We combined co-sleeping with time in his cot. At six months, I wasn’t ready for him to move into his own room, and I trusted that instinct. Even now, he still sleeps in our room. I didn’t follow a structured sleep plan with him until he was around 14 months old. And when I did begin making changes, they weren’t driven by a method, they were guided by my understanding of him as an individual.
Sleep Training vs Sleep Coaching
Through both my professional and personal experience, I’ve come to see a clear difference between sleep training and sleep coaching.
Sleep training often focuses on following a set plan based on a specific method. Parents are guided to implement that plan consistently, sometimes with the expectation of achieving a baby who sleeps through the night within a set timeframe.
For some families, this works well. But for others, it can feel restrictive. There may be limited flexibility when a child’s needs change, and if the plan doesn’t work, parents can be left feeling more uncertain than before.
It can also create pressure, the idea that sleep should look a certain way, and that anything outside of that means something is going wrong.
Sleep coaching, as I now practise it, is different.
It’s less about following a fixed plan, and more about understanding the whole picture.
Over a series of sessions, we explore:
the child’s individual needs
the parents’ beliefs, anxieties, and expectations
the wider family dynamic
From there, we introduce gentle, realistic changes, not rigid rules. There is no promise of perfect sleep, because children are not predictable, and life is constantly changing. Instead, the aim is to support better sleep in a way that feels manageable, responsive, and aligned with the family. It’s about moving away from strict methods and towards trust - in the child, and in the parent.
A More Flexible Approach
When it came to my own son, I found I couldn’t follow a strict plan. Every day felt different. His needs changed. And I didn’t want to ignore my instincts in favour of consistency alone. So, we moved slowly.
We began making small changes around 14 months, and by 16 months he was sleeping through most nights. This has remained fairly consistent but importantly, I no longer expect perfection. If he wakes, that’s okay. Illness, teething, travel, or excitement can all affect sleep, just as they do for us as adults. The difference now is that I trust we will return to a rhythm that works.
There’s no pressure, and no sense of failure when things shift.
A Different Perspective
As adults, we don’t sleep perfectly every night. So why do we expect our children to?
Letting go of that expectation has been one of the most important shifts for me, both as a parent and as a coach.
Sleep doesn’t need to be perfect to be manageable. And supporting a child’s sleep doesn’t need to come at the cost of connection, intuition, or trust.
