It’s Not Me, It’s You: Letting Go of ‘I’m Not Good Enough’ in Dating

Have you ever been on a date with someone, or started seeing someone, only for them to suddenly end things or disappear without explanation?

Unfortunately, this has become a common experience in modern dating, particularly over the past decade. When it happens, it can leave you feeling confused, disappointed, and hurt. And often, without clear answers, our minds begin searching for an explanation.

More often than not, that explanation becomes: “I’m not good enough.”

When someone behaves in a way we don’t understand, or doesn’t offer clarity about why they’ve stepped away, it’s natural to turn the focus inward. In an attempt to make sense of what happened, and perhaps regain a sense of control, we begin to blame ourselves. If we can identify something we did “wrong,” then at least the situation feels explainable.

But when this pattern repeats, the belief can deepen. Each rejection or abrupt ending can reinforce the idea that the problem must be us. Over time, this belief can quietly shape how we see ourselves, affecting our confidence, our willingness to be open, and even our hope of finding a meaningful relationship.

My Experience

In my late twenties and early thirties, dating often felt like a repeating cycle.

I would meet someone, go on a few dates, sometimes more, and things would seem to be going well. Then gradually I would feel them pulling away. Often, I would be reassured that nothing was wrong, only for things to end shortly afterwards, or in some cases, for the person to disappear altogether. I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong.

A previous relationship had ended in a similar way, leaving me heartbroken but also carrying a large amount of the blame. So as this pattern repeated itself in dating, it seemed to confirm the belief that something about me simply wasn’t enough.

At the same time, I was doing a lot of work on myself. I was in therapy, reading about attachment styles and psychology, and reflecting deeply on my past relationships and childhood experiences. I was learning a lot, yet that core belief still remained: if things keep ending like this, it must be because I’m not good enough.

The shift came when I began working with my therapist using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), a form of therapy that helps process and reframe deeply held beliefs connected to past experiences.

Through this work, I was able to begin loosening the grip that belief had on me.

And as that belief shifted, something else changed too - the way I approached dating.

“It’s Not Me, It’s You”

Slowly, I began to realise something important.

When someone communicates poorly, behaves inconsistently, or disappears without explanation, that behaviour reflects their capacity, not my worth.

Saying “it’s not me, it’s you” doesn’t mean I was perfect in every situation or that I never made mistakes. Relationships are always a shared dynamic. But it helped me understand that I didn’t need to carry full responsibility for every outcome.

It also meant taking people off the pedestal I had sometimes placed them on. Recognising that they, like all of us, have their own fears, limitations, and patterns, and that someone who cannot communicate with kindness or respect simply isn’t the right person for me.

The real shift came when I focused on how I showed up.

If I could be open, respectful, honest, and true to myself, then regardless of the outcome, I knew I had acted with integrity. And if something didn’t work out, it didn’t automatically mean I had done something wrong. It simply meant we weren’t the right match.

A Different Energy

With that shift in perspective, dating began to feel different.

I no longer felt the same pressure to be chosen or to prove my worth. Instead, I focused on showing up as my authentic self, without constantly worrying about whether I was “too much” or might scare someone away.

And not long after that change, I met my now partner, the father of my child.

Looking back now, I don’t believe finding the right person was about suddenly becoming perfect or fixing every part of myself. The real shift happened when I stopped measuring my worth through someone else’s ability to see it. When I began showing up as my authentic self, with honesty, respect, and kindness, I realised that if something didn’t work out, it didn’t automatically mean I had done something wrong. Sometimes it simply means two people aren’t right for each other.

And sometimes, the truth really is: it’s not me, it’s you.